Wednesday, May 5, 2010
What's Dead Inside Me
(During the film retreat, we were given journal assignments. Over the next few days I'll post mine here. They're of the first-thought, best-thought school, unedited and not particularly good...)
"What is dead inside me? What a ridiculous question! How can anything be dead, so long as I myself am alive? As Buddhists, do we not emphasize the constant flux of things? Anything currently dormant has by all means the potential to reanimate. To think otherwise is un-Buddhist. Shakyamuni himself recognized the world, and the beings that exist within it, are made up of constantly shifting aggregates. Death too is not a constant immovable state. Does not a body decompose? Does not that decomposition become the organic makeup of the next generation? If you think otherwise, I'll show you the shit stains on my khakis from hours of kneeling in compost out in Upaya's gardens. Or I'll ask you how you're enjoying the kale in today's lunch, which rose from that same supposedly dead matter. Or I'll tell you about the latest in my series of dreams where my late son comes to play. I refuse to let his death, or any death, dehabilitate me. That occasional flicker of sorrow will quickly turn to joy, then on to something else. I refuse to buy into this fixed idea of death. And it is this very refusal that I live my most vividly."
On the turntable: "DGC Rarities, Vol. 1"
On the nighttable: Francois Bizot, "The Gate"